Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
