the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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