I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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