If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
