god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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