Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
