It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
