I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
