"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
