i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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