this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
