My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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