i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
