WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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