I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
