life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
