dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize