how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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