I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm like, not good at living.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
