Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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