Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
whose ass print is on the piano?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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