Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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