HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize