My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
