just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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