Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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