my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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