my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
