my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
