Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
