I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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