need another drink. this is the easiest way
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Alive.
So much puke
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
