I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
