I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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