then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
