WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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