Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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