I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
