i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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