Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
