you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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