If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
