Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
