Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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