Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize