having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
