Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize