Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
