I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
