wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
