Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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