I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
