Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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