Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
