i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
