this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
