she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
