Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
