my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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