Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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