there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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