I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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